I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
