Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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