i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
