I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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