90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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