Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
