So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
