I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
