listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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