Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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