Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
