She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
