She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Mom said you looked used
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
