i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
