Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Come on in and take your pants off
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