Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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