By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
