Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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