my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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