I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My vagina is very pro this idea
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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