its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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