Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
