he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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