I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
