Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
