hotel room ftw
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
