Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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