he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
