I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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