There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Help me help you realize you are a moron
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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