He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Can Purell be used as lube?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
