I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
