Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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