God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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