Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it's like iHOP with fire
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
