dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
