Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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