My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
