he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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