I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So here I am, sexting at work.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
