On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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