one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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