I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
