Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
