i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
