woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
