I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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