he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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