tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
