I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
