I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
